Daniel Strang, better known as “Chewie,” currently judges and coaches speech events for Park Hill South HS in Kansas City, MO. As a competitor, he was a finalist at the Missouri State Tournament in Duo, qualified to NFL Nationals in Duo, and was a finalist in HI and Duo at nearly every tournament during his senior year. He wrote this during his sophomore year at the University of Missouri-Kansas City.
Ah, the joys of autumn. The leaves begin to turn, the cool winds settle in, and the beginning of the forensics season is upon us. Many people may have already had their first local tournament, while others must wait as long as several weeks until their first chance to take home that sweepstakes trophy. But one thing is for sure as we enter another year of fun and forensics:
Everybody sucks.
Well, maybe not everyone. But 99.9% of competitors are absolutely terrible their first tournament of the season. Especially in comparison to districts after they’ve had an entire season to beef up their ballot folder. But I’m not here to criticize, I’m here to help. So in order to better serve the forensics community, I’ll give you all my best advice for each event.
HI---Pick a good piece. Something really funny. It can be “ha-ha” funny or “that’s weird” funny, so long as you know how to sell it. Also, wear clogs. Clogs are hilarious, and make transitions and pops a breeze.
Duo---Pick a good partner. Make sure they’re a really hard worker so that you don’t have to actually do anything. So long as they write the intro, do all the blocking, and pick a piece that revolves around their character, you shouldn’t have to say more than 30 seconds or so worth of material. Make sure your partner’s really rich as well, so that you can get that “free trip” to Nationals.
DI---If you can do a piece that doesn’t involve rape, incest, cancer, racism, or domestic abuse…good for you. The other 99% of you: try a piece that involves rape, incest, cancer, racism, or domestic abuse. The reason they’re so common, of course, is because they always win.
DX---Read the news a lot. Make the AP Wire your homepage, and read it for 3 hours every morning. Make fun of Ann Coulter and Michael Moore. And Bill O’Reilly. And Al Franken. And Tom Cruise. Become a crazed cynic who genuinely thinks Christopher Walken would be the best choice for president. Grow a beard.
FX---Same as DX, but do everything in Arabic, especially the beard. Judges love beards on extempers.
OO---This actually used to be a super-secret event, where only the best speakers would be allowed to enter, via a special invitation that had to be retrieved from upon the top of a water tower. Nowadays, anyone can enter, making it the generic oatmeal of speech events. My advice? Be a good speaker.
Poetry/Prose---Listen, we know how much you enjoy “The Raven”. We all do. It’s a fun piece of poetry. And yes, we’re sure that you can add some magic element of drama that no other 14-year-old can. That said, it is the single most overdone piece in the history of spoken word, ever. If I ever hear about any of you performing “The Raven” as Oral Interp, I will personally come to your tournament, find the ballots with your name written on them, and make sure each one has a rank of 11. Even if there were only 5 people in your round.
Impromptu---Become an improvisational comic. Think of everything off the top of your head, and make sure you say it really loud before you can think whether or not it will offend anyone. If no one’s around, you can just talk to yourself. Don’t worry about all those people staring at you in the mall; they’re just admiring your craft.
Cross-X Debate---Learn every single CX-exclusive term, and use nothing but those terms for an hour and a half straight. An example of a round-winning phrase could be, “The affirmative’s counter-critique of the rendition of the disadvantage does not solve for inherency of the 2nd plank of the plan involving the advantage of probable cause when reviewing the topicality as stated in the card by the negative in 1NC.” Something like that. The order doesn’t matter; just make sure you get all the words in.
LD Debate---Learn about “values” and “ethics”. Call your opponent’s case fascist, communist, and totalitarian…all in the same round. Cuss out your opponent during cross-examination when they spend 2 minutes answering a yes or no question. Also, be courteous.
Public Forum Debate---Eh, don’t do Public Forum.
And there you have it! Chewie’s Guide To Doing Totally Awesome At Forensics This Year! I hope all you forensics participants and coaches are able to read to use this advice to have a wonderful year. Good luck!